We are all snowflakes, beautifully unique. This uniqueness shapes who we are. And so, it’s natural that different things pain us more than others, and we all react differently to a certain thing.
For me, graduation was a tragedy. It was a traumatic experience that seared my life. Even now, one year later, my heart smarts sometimes. Especially when I hear from loved ones, especially when I hear wonderful news, like an engagement, a wedding, or even new shoes, and know that I can’t physically be there with those people. Especially when I know that a year ago, my bubble was everyone’s bubble…
Sometimes I feel silly for being so sensitive about BFA. This is probably because I know that a lot of people have already “gotten over” high school and are having a jolly good time in their after-life.
So I’d kept this secret. I didn’t let on to most people how much I still cared, loved, longed.
Dear class of 2007, dear people after my own heart,
I want to tell you some of the stuff I learned, and try to give some humble advice.
It’s easy when you first get “there” to find a million things to gripe about. Let yourself grieve, but also step back once in a while to see the big picture. Be open-minded as to who you think you are, because your new “home” is going to change you.
Let go of your pride, and don’t try to cling to who you think you are. You can’t ever know, particularly if you claim to be a Christian and want Christ to continually work in you and change you.
When you’re in a new place, immersed in a new culture, you are bound to change. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.
You are made up of baseball cards. Swap yourself.
-Don’t hide within yourself because you have a lot to offer
-At the same time, be open to others. Don’t distance yourself from people. Pop culture is not a bad thing J Try to assume the best of others.
Address everything in humility and try to see what you can glean. Because we have such a great God, He teaches us lessons, even from the most unexpected people and places
For every bad you find in a culture, there is probably a good. If you can’t find it, look harder. If you still can’t find it, pray, just pray to God.
You’ll find that you’ll have a lot of conflicting emotions inside. Try with every ounce of you to make thankfulness the most prominent one.
"I thought that i just had to endure couple more days or months or years... i don't know how long, but some day i would be back. i was wrong."
Yes, I feel that way too.
And I think I'd like to share what I wrote in my prayer journal in response.
God, you see every corner of my heart. God, you truly care about me, and you really have taken care of me in concrete ways. Thank you for your beauty and the beautiful people around me. God, you know the pain inside of me. You see my hurt from being separate from people I love. And so you bring healing by surrounding me with precious people.
God, you are everywhere. Because you also live in the people I am with now, and the community I live in now, theoretically, how can I lack anything? How can I feel any further longing?
Deep in my heart, I am content, and can feel whole. But a part of me still remains rebellious, Lord. It refuses to come to terms with the now, and insists and demands for the past.
So I sacrifice this part of me. Because you are a God or miracles, and because I have also given my sin nature to you, work in me. Help me to fully grasp your grace in my life now. Open my eyes to wholly see the blessings in my life.
Let me appreciate completely the beauty in the people I am around.
So, what am I up to these days? I'm mostly busy tutoring four groups. More pictures later. I'm going on a retreat from church. Pretty excited. I love the people there. Waiting around for Yonsei to start, either end of Feb or start of March.
I got a perm.
Honestly, I like the girl on the right better. I'm allowed, right? I'm not their parent, so... But, yeah, I like both of them, they're really cute.
She is a total slacker. Kind of hard to stand at times. But she also is cute, and so I bear "it" gladly.
I really really really love this family. One of the biggest blessings this year, for sure. They're also Christians, which is a total coincidence, because I wasn't introduced to them through anyone. Anyway, they're really sweet people, and they work hard, which makes it so pleasant for me. That's their two year old girl, and they also have a six-month son. It gets kind of hard trying to study with the two kids as well, but also that much more interesting.
Some people I've met up with. Aren't you jealous??!!
And this is my little cousin. She is so cute!!! If any of you guys remember, this is the baby that I showed you that was super super fat. But now, she's grown up so much, and she's just too cute! I'm actually her aunt, since her mom is my cousin, but she doesn't call me aunt. She calls me unnie instead (which, as most of you know, means big sister). And I asked if it was too weird to call me aunt and she said yes. So I guess I'll let it slide for now.
Before
After.
Have a great day guys. Oh, and if you'd like, check out the video from my previous post. It's a video of my brothers and me laughing.
This is from my journal, September 12 2006, completely uncensored:
'Another interesting point: Do I need to re-think my thoughts on plastic surgery? I've always only thought of it as being contemptuous of what God has given us, making a huge rift in society (between the rich and poor), and just unhealthy thinking in general. But is it just easier for me to think that way and condemn those who resort to plastic surgery because I'm not ugly? I mean, it gives self confidence, and hence makes a person more pleasant to be around. It's also almost a societal expectation to be pleasing to the eye. It's also just one more thing that helps to get a job at the highly competitive job pool. If you've worked really hard to accumulate money, isn't it justifiable to spend that money fixing your appearance? I don't know. Either way, it's very postmodern, too much so for me. I choose to not think about it too much and just settle with: I'm neve getting plastic surgery for myself because I don't need it (meaning, for self-confidence) but I won't look down upon or judge those who do get plastic surgery. '
All my life, I've heard people say that Christmas is a time of joyful celebration, and I've also heard people say that we should reflect on the cross because the birth was the beginning of Jesus's journey. Yesterday, for the first time, I heard someone say let's reflect on the Father and how He must have felt "letting go" of his son. It's kind of similar to Korean mothers and how they feel the day their sons go off to the army.
After church, we went carolling in the streets. Soft-core evangelism? As I watched people walk by, I think I felt the Lord's compassion in me, and I teared up.
Then I thought of my parents and bawled. For the past few days, I had been searching for Christmas. I couldn't believe how much it didn't feel like Christmas. I had thought it was because of the lack of light decorations, and gone out to big places like MyungDong to "look for Christmas". Of course, I never "found it". What I was actually looking for was my family to spend Christmas with. I've only spent Christmas away from family once before, in fourth grade.
But maybe my family isn't here, I should take this opportunity to help me focus and rethink what Christmas is really about.
Tonight. I'm off with my small group from church. We're going on a little retreat to a condo in KangwonDo. And we're going to go see the moutain and ocrean. Yup.
